1. The woman who is on her phone the entire date. Listen, this is a date. You typically agree to go on them because you think the person could be the love of your life (or at least someone you could tolerate for the rest of your life). Why are you playing Candy Crush on your phone the whole time and liking posts on Facebook?
2. The chronic selfie-taker. Making memories is nice, and we secretly like your occasional selfie on Instagram, but when we can’t walk 10 paces with you without stopping for a photo, it gets old fast. This rule applies double for selfie-stick users.
3. The lady that “lived” in Italy once … for three months … on a study abroad summer program. This isn’t “living” in Italy. Stop critiquing all the food at Olive Garden. Unless you became a legal Italian citizen, you didn’t “live” there.
4. The “we can’t keep doing this” woman. Most people have had at least one relationship that was, for whatever reason, forbidden or unhealthy or purely sexual. Maybe you were good friends that couldn’t stay out of each others pants. But one relationship like that is enough. Hearing “oh my god, we can’t do this anymore” every time you hook up and then spend a week not talking isn’t as alluring as you think it might be.
5. The woman who changes her major life plans every seven months. Lots of twentysomethings don’t know what they want to do with their lives yet, and that’s fine. It’s important to figure it out. But being involved with someone who decides to move across the country, then switch careers, move back, backpack through South America for six months, move back in with her parents, go back to school eight hours away for a graduate degree, drop out, then go backpacking through Asia is just exhausting. I got exhausted typing that sentence.
6. The woman who apparently gets a new phone every few months and disappears. Don’t lie. Just tell us, “Hey, I’m not that into you but maybe in a few months, I’ll get drunk enough to see if you’re up.”
7. The woman who wants you to be her personal Instagram photographer. Perhaps even worse than the selfie-taker is the woman who treats guys like they’re paparazzi whose sole purpose is to capture how good you look against that exposed brick wall.
8. The woman who wants to define the relationship immediately. We just exchanged numbers, and you already want to know where this is going?
9. The woman who is only emotionally available when we start dating someone else. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, WHY ARE YOU MESSING WITH MY HEAD LIKE THIS?
10. Anyone who has taken what should be a very small aspect of their life and turned it into their entire identity. Let me be very clear: Words cannot express the depth of how much I don’t care about hearing a dissertation on the health benefits of being a vegan.
11. The woman who won’t stop texting you. Contrary to what rom-coms may lead you to believe, men don’t all suck at communicating. We just don’t like doing it that often. And, spoiler alert, the answer to “How’s your day going???” will probably still be “fine” no matter if you ask us once or 20 times.
12. People who are embarrassed to be on an “online date.” This isn’t 2002. No one is going to care that we met through Bumble or whatever fun-sounding one-word dating app is in right now. Stop looking over your shoulder like the worst thing that could possibly happen is you’ll have to explain to Chrissy S. from high school that you’re on a date with someone you met on the internet.
13. Anyone specifically looking for a guy to cheat with. By the time we hit our late 20s, we’ll know plenty of married people. I have to put enough energy into dating as it is. I don’t want to also worry about dodging your husband or long-term boyfriend at the same time. I barely have time after work to meet someone for drinks, let alone drive an hour and a half away for drinks just to make sure we’ll be at a bar where no one can identify us. It’s not even a moral quandary. That shit just isn’t worth my time.
14. Anyone who tries to hide the fact that they still live at home. OK, great … the economy and the job market and whatever. To be fair, it’s not like still living at home in your late 20s is appealing, but it’s also not really a deal breaker. What’s way worse is hiding it as if you’ve got some immense secret or live in the Batcave or some shit. I don’t want to spend six months wondering if the reason I can never come over to your place is because the curtains are made of human skin.
15. Fake Tinder profiles. That night I was too drunk to realize I spent 10 minutes messaging a bot … that was the darkest 10 minutes of my life.