1. What to listen to in the car. The total energy my husband and I have expended on arguing over what to listen to in the car could power a city. And I’m not talking some rinky dink village; I’m talking Gotham. There will never be an ultimate victor in the contentious battle of music vs. NPR, but I swear one day, I will win against public radio. You’re going down, Terry Gross.
2. What to eat for dinner. Some nights, nobody can figure out what to eat and so you just starve. It’s a thing that happens, and it’s fine. You can have pizza and she can have cereal and you’ll do better tomorrow.
3. The “I Don’t Like That One Friend of Yours Who You Really Like” Fight. You’re never gonna like Hairy Pete and he’s never gonna not like Hairy Pete so just go hide in your room when he’s over and fumigate the couch when he leaves and that’s that.
4. S/he spent too much money on something (you think) is dumb. So, she spent $40 playing some useless iPhone game last month. Unless that means you’re unable to feed and cloth your children, it’s not worth getting into. (Plus, that means you can buy a new top and she can’t say shit! Men be shoppin’!)
5. What temperature the room should be. She thinks it should be hot like the surface of Hades and you think it should be colder than a witch’s titty (how is that an expression?). You will argue over this until the day you both collapse from heat exhaustion/frostbite into your early graves.
6. Whether you should sleep with a fan on or not. You think it sounds like a soft summer wind and he thinks it sounds like a jet engine. Either one of you needs earplugs or the other one needs headphones. Maybe a tradeoff? Figure a system out now! Don’t be torn apart by white noise and a light breeze!
7. You’re out of something and it’s someone’s fault. He didn’t pick up baby carrots on the way home from work but he thought you were picking up baby carrots on the way home from work and you’re both pretty sure the other one is a liar or an idiot. It might be both, it might be neither, it doesn’t matter. Someone’s going back to Trader Joe’s.
8. Where you’re going for the holidays. For all my ladies and gentlemen who aren’t married yet, you have no idea. The “where to spend the holidays” fights are the realest. There are no winners here so you might as well decide it with a coin toss and crying fit.
9. One of you stays up too late/gets up to early. Either she’s up all night watching aniZombie marathon or he’s up at the butt crack of dawn, banging around the bedroom looking for his running shoes. (The ones he never just leaves by the door even though he KNOWS he’s gonna need them at 5-freaking-AM!) Either way, you’ll never argue the other one into being a night owl or a morning person, so there’s no use in trying. We’re all special snowflakes so let’s just embrace what makes us unique so we don’t accidentally (or on purpose) murder anyone in their sleep.
10. Someone’s just grumpy. When one person has slipped into a serious pair of crabby pants, that’s often exactly when their partner accidentally (or on purpose) does something that causes a major ~bLoW oUt~. And then the person who accidentally (or on purpose) caused the fight gets indignant because how were they supposed to know the other person is feeling shitty?! For trying times like that, it’s best to figure out some sort of a system.
My friend has a good one: When either her or her husband are wearing a special red baseball hat, it means they need a little alone time.
It’s kinda like a self-imposed time out and I’m telling you, it saves lives/relationships. Either that or some simple communication: “I’m a crab and it has nothing to do with you and I love you and I just need to be alone for a little and I’ll be less crabby then.” Or whatever works for you! Point is, it’s best to let the other person have a moment so you don’t start World War 3 over who ate the last brownie bite.